Life, Loss, and Moving Forward

Written 2 months ago

Well, hello...

It's been a long while since I've posted. Yes, I'm fickle and yes, I don't tend to stick with things till the day I die but I do enjoy having a little space of my own to post when I feel the need, desire, or just want to have a soap box to stand on.

In all seriousness, I've had more change since September of last year than ever. I'll just dive in so pardon my lack of building up the storyline...

To begin, we had little guy in 2011 and life went haywire. Two kids?! Who knew one was easier? I feel crazy for ever complaining about that (only child) little girl! He has added SUCH excitement and laughter to our life.. Not sure what to do WITH him but we couldn't go a day without that lil' munchie..

Second, we decided to sell our "10 year plan" home. It had only been 3 years. We weren't making the home repair progress we had hoped. Also, we came to the conclusion that a two-story home was not working for our little fam. We needed less space. A small space where the kiddos could interact both in and around the entire house. We were on a mission. We had a list of things that were a must-have in the new house. For once, we were NOT going to waiver on that list. The FSBO sign went out, the first call came in that evening. I had just listed our home on Zillow. Next thing we knew, (that was a Thursday) Saturday we had an awesome offer. We began the moving shuffle. Home Inspection, House Hunting, Repair Lists, and Packing... uhhhhhgggggk, packing.. Sheesh! We kept packing and paccckkking and pacccccckkkkkiiinnng! If it wasn't for the 5 pizza loving, beer drinking, extraordinary group of men we call our friends, we would not have made it out of there on time. Many challenges followed but they have definitely been overshadowed by the next chapter of life I was about to face.  A chapter I had thought about but never understood the magnitude.

My brother Adam; my overprotective, life-of-the-party, highly inappropriate, passionate, compassionate, dear sweet brother passed after our move. He had faced a few challenges in his youth. Definitely lived and learned. He had acknowledged that. Ultimately, he contracted MRSA at one of his stints in the hospital. If you aren't familiar with it - look it up. It's a bad bug. A very life-threatening illness. Followed by feeding tubes, removal of his spleen and 60% of his pancreas. Problems only seemed to get worse. With a weakened immune system, he contracted several different intestinal infections. His body finally succumbed to his last struggle and illness. Truthfully, I'm still waiting to see him. I have not touched base with reality. I keep thinking technology is going to allow me to see into Heaven someday.. I just want to see him up there in ALL His Glory! I want to see that he made it safe. Sadly, the dust is starting to settle and I know that day will not come until my last. Just wish I could pick him up and go for a ride in my car... I feel like that's where we should be.

No doubt, life continues to roll on. I have a family, two kids and a husband to take care of. My moments of grief are brief. It's hard to not see all the evil in the world now. I'm working on my Faith and understanding. Seeing the glass half-full and not half-empty. My parents - they have a long road ahead. We were THEIR children to raise and they wanted to see us live a full life. He is now my Angel and God knows I can't wait to greet him! Love you, Adam..

So, as everyone's lives go on and so does mine. It's been a few months. Still fresh. Still managing my days as if there's no time. Still trying to sort this out. Still trying to be supportive to my parents even though I'm failing. Trying to keep my own family above water - knowing this will all be one page in the book of my kid's memories. Uncle Adam always had tea parties in bed with H and bought sweet treats for those stinkers. He even had Easter treats ready to give - he didn't get to give them.

As they say, live everyday like it's your last. Tell those you love, that you love them. This never had meaning until I lost something so close - my only sibling. He swore he'd always take care of me. I know he is!

There's where my time and energy has gone. Still trying to unpack, attempting to decorate, and definitely trying to settle into the city again. Although we weren't far out, we lived on half an acre and could walk a couple blocks to see horses. Life has had an abundance of change.

I might be regular at posting and I might not...Ultimately, I like my little space on here that I've been able to retreat to and write about things I love and enjoy doing.

2 months later

As tears roll down my face while reading this post, I realize how time passing is making it harder. I'm starting to realize it's been awhile since I saw Adam. Missing him. Wishing he'd call me for that Saturday hair cut. Wishing he'd call and say, hey Sis.

It's morning at my house. Only one kiddo is awake. I'm having my little moment of quiet time. I always tell my mom I don't cry and grieve because for goodness sakes, I don't have time in my day with two kids. I find this quiet time a blessing today.

Grieving has no time frame. You're not given a book on how this should go. I've found that thinking about him and relating life to how his life would have been is therapeutic. In relating my life to his, I started dabbling back into sewing and designing fun things. Hobbies I've always enjoyed. Hobbies I haven't been able to do for some time. In dedication and memory of Adam, I've opened KA List. A shop that will continue to exude the life and personality of my brother. I hope to inspire people and share my loss. I hope my story reminds others to care for their loved ones. Reminding them to say I love you and to always give big hugs. Tomorrow is not guaranteed.

XOXO,
Katie